My senses take me back

What compelled me to come back and write after another three month hiatus? Just take a look at two posts before this - something about listening to music that I was into during college makes me want.. to... write... a... novel. Seriously, I would be laughing if it weren't so sad and true. I've been very busy, and I think about writing, but I don't. I also think about playing guitar, but I don't. Then I have a free Friday night and I decide to listen to old 7"s. And I'm 19 again and I just want to write about my feelings all night.

I was actually reminiscing on the bus ride home today that even the last year of college is now fading away. I remember thinking sometime in the middle of college that high school seemed far enough in the past to not count anymore, and I was eager to embrace that as I hated high school (although, in retrospect, I took everything a little too seriously), and I was now a different person, a grown-up. Now, it's just kind of scary. Because I think I like the younger (21) me better sometimes. I'm much more even-keeled now, but back then I had a lot of friends, had a lot of energy, and was generally a lot more optimistic.

So what the hell was I listening to in college? Mostly, emo and hardcore in the beginning, and more mathrock and post-punk later. Tonight, I've been listening to Texas is the Reason, The Promise Ring, I Hate Myself, Twelve Hour Turn (one of my all-time favorite Florida bands), The Get Up Kids (I listened to Something to Write Home About my entire freshman year), Hot Water Music (obligatory for Florida residents), Piebald, Braid, and I'll just stop writing because I think the picture is clear.

Fuck, it's been five years since I've been in a band. And I like to imagine that I'll always be involved in music, I'm just on a break because of grad school. When in reality, it's probably more like I'm on a break because of grad school, but after that it's a postdoc, and then a real job that will take up entirely too much of my time, then settling into family life sometime after that. And there are probably no more bands in my future. That is depressing.

I think it's just the aches of leaving youth behind. I don't really want to go to house parties and drink cheap beer until I puke anymore, or make out with two people in one night (true story). But I do want those moments back sometimes. The wide-eyed awe with which I took it all in my freshman year - when I would go with K.C. and Lowell to shows, sometimes up to Orlando just for the night. Finally joining a really good band during my last year in Miami, and spending a lot of late nights with the best set of guys I had known at that point!

I'm sure looking at this from the outside it seems so trite. But I don't think I'm doing it justice. And I suppose what I'm saying is fairly universal; most people, at some point in their youth, had experiences that they want to relive over and over. Whatever they may be. For me, Miami will always be a singular time in my life - I was only there between 17 and 21, and a lot of important growing up happened there. Things that I'll never associate with California (the only other place where I have lived), like the thought of humidity, automatically make me think of Dillon, Tony, and myself driving somewhere late at night with the windows down (because it's never cold at night) and some amazing new CD blasting. Always.

I should perform an experiment. I should come back again to write later while listening to something very current for me - like the new Portishead or something - and see how different my writing becomes. I'll suddenly write about the Democratic primaries, why we should leave Iran the hell alone, the postdoc position I'm starting in September, how I'm worried about my parents getting older, and generally sound my age. It would be interesting.