One third of a year

I just did a hand count and it's been almost four months since the last post. I know I get busy, but I have to ask myself if I'm actually so busy that I can't reflect on life at least once every four months.

A long, long time ago I had a blog, before they were called blogs, and although it was anonymous, I posted so many details that everyone I knew found about it, read it, and laughed behind my back. It was especially mortifying because the boy I had a huge crush on, and who I wrote many an emotional post about, also found out. I later had a talk with a friend who also had a blog, and he said he thought it was sort of brave of me to put it all out there, that he felt he had to filter a lot out. I think he was just trying to be nice.

Right now I could just spill and spill and spill, because that's when I really need to write, when there's a lot to spill; too much going on in the head. But I guess I'm just choosing to filter, which leads to four month breaks. Because when I filter all the really personal stuff out, there's not much left. Finishing up my Ph.D., but I'm not sure what fulfillment I would get out of writing all those details down. Not going to too many shows. I have been getting some new music, thanks to a few Amoeba trips.

Trying to figure out what the hell to do after my school life is over, while trying to pretend that it's not a huge decision that is going to involve a lot of emotional issues for me. Hah! I've always been a student, it's practically who I am. Once that is taken away... it's kind of like looking over a large chasm right now.

B and I will be going up to San Francisco this weekend, which should be nice. I love San Francisco. I really love going to Aquarius Records, and Amoeba. And San Francisco always leaves me feeling content. I would like to live there if it didn't cost $2398723498734 to live there.

Listening: Sunny Day Real Estate - Rising Tide, and Tarentel - From Bone To Satellite

Another month bites the dust

Well, there went October. Busy, busy month.

Lots of shows: saw Yellow Swans at the Smell (excellent, excellent set), William Basinski at the Hammer Museum, and Mum at The Orpheum. Thurston Moore is next Tuesday. Other good shows coming up too.

Drove down to San Diego for Jessica's birthday party.

Started guitar class again; intermediate guitar is going to focus a lot more on guitar theory. Violin 3 starts tomorrow.

And...kept working out! Fuckin'-a right. Averaging four times a week; spinning, step, and various cardio machines. I don't know if I look any different, but with the way I feel, I couldn't care less. I feel like I did back when I was 19.

I've got a birthday coming up, a trip to Hawaii with my mom. Shit, I'm even writing a new paper, moving my research along.

Life is damn good.

Despite all that, I can still listen to certain records that I connected with in college, when I think I had a lot more emotional stuff going on, and it just overtakes me. I want to go back, I want to do it all over again (of course with all the knowledge I've gained in the meantime). I think it has something to do with the ever increasing realization that mortality is not abstract, it's not a matter of chance. It's as real as it gets, and we only get one shot with this youth thing. When it's gone, it's gone. I don't want it to be gone.

Listening: Tragedy - Nerve Damage